Freckles of light are peering through the palms.
I arrived home in Tegallalang today after a week in the countryside of Sideman. I was suppose to be there for a month but the moment I arrived, I felt drained and out of place.
I’m playing with this simple philosophy, “when you know, you know.”
I knew I was home when I arrived here in Tegallalang the first time.
I knew I was not when I arrived in Sideman.
It really is simple intuition.
I think what often complicates it for me is other people. Their voices and projections. The obligations I feel bound by. How my decisions impact others.
When I actually think about what I want, it really isn’t difficult to find it. It’s feeling okay with what I want not being normal and going for it anyway. It’s feeling uncomfortable in a situation and not compromising to try to fit it any longer.
I listened to a few women theorize about finding a spouse recently. I gently interjected a few words, “I think I’ll just know,” which resonated deeply with one of them. Culture seems to complicate what we know innately in our souls.
The longer I ignore the voice inside, the harder it is to reconnect with it as the reality around me chips away at it’s integrity, builds a self-affirming case for why I ought to stay in this situation, relationship, conversation longer than I’d like to.
There’s a whole island to explore here — with waterfalls and zip-lines, yoga retreats and spas, temples, mountains, beach fronts and elaborately engineered sights. I feel no rush to see it all.
This is the first place I landed in Bali which happens to be the first place I’ve felt at home in a long time and I feel so content existing here for a while.
I just think, when you know you know — why search any further?
